Looking for the right person is a great idea as long as you don't assume that finding the right person ensures everything will be all right. Not a single male reading this book will underline that statement. Which means if you're sexually involved with someone right now, the next time the two of you are in the middle of lovemaking, look each other in the eye and say, "You are one of a million! But sexual compatibility is not the litmus test for relational compatibility. Losing interest in sex with someone is always a manifestation of something else. My hunch is the root of your previous relational challenges was ... Chances are you would have addressed the relational challenges more quickly if you hadn't been physically involved. If a couple shares a passion for the same foods, music, and sports teams, it makes sense they need to find out if that passion extends to the bedroom. But for the most part, that doesn't stop us, which brings us to our first "doesn't everybody know that? This is where I state the obvious, with a preposition at the end. You are sexually compatible with far more people than you are relationally compatible with. Losing interest in sex with someone isn't the same as being sexually incompatible.Today, NPM consists of six churches in the Atlanta area and a network of more than 70 churches around the globe that collectively serve nearly 118,000 people weekly. But in the end, regardless of how many potential right candidates there are, one and only one is chosen. As of the writing of this book, it appears that five contestants chose well. I assume you don't take your relationship cues from script writers and authors. While most everybody has a mental list of what makes the right person the right person, most people abandon their lists for physical attraction and chemistry. While instant chemistry is common, instant chemistry that dovetails into an instantly healthy relationship with until-death-do-us-part potential is not. But before marriage, a lack of objectivity is dangerous.As host of CHAPTER 1THE RIGHT PERSON MYTHAt the center of every great love story are two people who are right for each other, destined to be together. Three hundred pages or a hundred and twenty minutes later they've figured out what we knew all along, leaving us entertained and, in some cases, inspired by their story. In the case of these two reality Tv shows, we don't know who's right for whom until the end. But it's possible you've embraced the underlying premise that holds these story lines and episodes together. A good many divorced men and women had already located right person 2.0 while in the process of divorcing right person 1.0. You may not believe there's one right person for you, but you are looking for the right person. When you're physically attracted to someone and there's that extra something we will refer to as chemistry, it just feels right, doesn't it? Show me a couple who are attracted to each other and share that certain something, and I'll show you a couple convinced they are right for each other. Sex distorts positive and negative traits in a partner.You’re usually golden if you start planning your second date on your first. Or you have a really kickass first date including, let’s say, a bar, dim sum, a massage, and a healthy game of "everything but..." and then six months go by and you’re still waiting for that promised phone call.
Or someone to call "babe" every Sunday morning at brunch at The Smith. Like, literally, around the corner you can see right now.You aren’t relegated to the movie theater at the local mall, and if you are going to see a movie you can go to places like Nitehawk and eat artisanal cheese while watching it.Usually the best first dates start with a drink, maybe at a bar in the East Village, where you talk for hours and determine that you both share a love of dim sum and Chinese beer. Then, during the meal, you both discover that you both have stiff shoulders, so it’s off to a massage place on the Lower East Side for cheap massages.You've experienced focalism many times, and most instances were harmless. We've all made impulse purchases we later regretted. But you immediately recognize it in your friends, don't you? " has the potential to diminish the importance of what you've always believed was important for a healthy, go-the-distance relationship. But I bet we would agree on what it takes to create a relationship that stands the test of time and the unavoidable trials of life. In fact, leaning into the right person myth almost guarantees they won't.We've all driven miles out of our way to get a favorite dessert, fast food sandwich, or specialty coffee. Similarly, we've tried our best to buy something, attend something, or contact someone that didn't work out. unfortunately, those very things get lost or downgraded in the bliss of "we're the exception to all the rules" passion. All the Wrong Options Before we move on, I want to go back to the "maybe a baby will help" idea.Focalism is the brain's tendency to magnify one thing to the exclusion of everything else. Once the sizzle subsides, somebody is going to wake up and wonder how he or she got into this mess. Makes you wonder if this right person phenomenon is nature's way of ensuring the human race survives even if relationships don't. Give up or soldier on in a lifeless, passionless relationship.Focalism distorts reality, be that reality food, a dress, a car, or, yes, a person. It's almost impossible to recognize any of this in the mirror. Slow Fade Physical attraction and chemistry combined with a routine of "my house or yours? Couples try all kinds of things to rekindle what once was. My point is, finding the right person is no guarantee that things will turn out right. While adding a dose of physical involvement into the mix makes a relationship more exciting and enjoyable, it also makes it more complicated. Did it have anything to do with sexual incompatibility?Now, if you can relate to the previous three paragraphs and you're wondering why you weren't smart enough to recognize what was happening when it was happening, I have a bit of encouraging news. Along the way they discovered a cognitive bias someone labeled focalism. You know intuitively that they're as happy as they'll ever be. is not a sign of anything other than you are two healthy people who have stumbled across one of the many other healthy people in the world with whom you are sexually compatible. That guy who asks if your back is feeling okay after you have sex on the roof is not necessarily a gentleman, despite how sweet you think that gesture is.And thanks to online services it’s never been easier to find them.